A story by Anonymous (Maine State Prison)
Part I
If you knew my story, you would sit deep in your chair in wonder. In wonder of how a young intelligent man gets lost within his path in life to impress others for self-worth. Or maybe you wouldn’t? However, I have the feeling you would.
When I talk to others and feel safe enough to remove SOME of my armor… enough to allow them to peek inside and see me, they instantly say “wow, this gets deep.” I don’t try and complain. I just explain the positions and situations I have put myself in within my travels. I am not a saint in any way. I have caused myself a lot of LOSS.
Of course, it took years to catch up to my thoughts and irrationalities that held me hostage for a very long time. I grew up in a very good household to a point. There was a lot of wholesomeness and then there was often rage. If I look back at that, I can see myself absorbing a lot of it, taking it on and holding it deep in my mind. That caused me problems later though. By holding it all in and then blowing up was not a good result. So, the old “silence is my strength” theory was a bad plan evidently.
I have been encased in a prison for decades now. I can tell you from personal experience that being placed in a cell and held within that cell with no one to talk to will turn you hard. Hard in a way where you will end up walking with a stone-faced look mirroring the stone walls holding you in that cell. It will become your armor so you can deflect all emotion and not seek conversation. This gets old and heavy. Hard on the insides of the stomach. As I look around, I cringe at “med lines,” crinkled faces of stress and anger, of something so redundant and useless. We are humans who may have done bad things, but we have faced the inability to be free and with family within our minds. So many times, as the eyes close, and more than you will ever know, there are years on top of years of closed eyelids of resentment that are faced on a daily and yearly basis. The people holding the keys to “correction” deciding if we have suffered long enough, will never know this. They see a piece of it if they release us. Outside, we look up and one inch away from the prison, the air is different. The soul is regained, and life comes back. Of course, that’s only if we ever make it out.
It’s crazy enough that all these years, I have had control of all that I wanted out there. I did try the “silence is my strength” theory for a while and that did cause me to have a harder position within this prison than needed. That was a few years back. It seems it has faded off to the side and for good cause. Thankfully, others along with me have taken control of their own destiny rather than all that dictation, which is a great thing. These days, I know how to pause myself and add up what really needs to happen in order to progress forward. That was never available in my past decisions for myself. I now know that I do not have to be the sacrificial lamb in order to prove a point for someone else or even myself.
Part II
I am in fact, a part of the “throw away the key” reform of prisons. I have done my best to build a portfolio of experiences. To show, I have put the work in to become a better person, while I’ve sat within these walls. Many people have and are facing this daily walk. Although there are many doing the work I do, there are also many who don’t dare step forward and take the chance to change in front of the eyes of others. However, if they were to join in hands with us, I feel things would change. If prisoners took advantage of all things available to them, there would be no need for continued time, locked behind a door. Although there may have been heinous crimes committed and the need for public safety is real, a human being is an asset to the world. Having them sit until they deteriorate and eventually die is wrong. To have taxpayers cover that cost is wrong.
Yes, they may have taken a life or hurt someone so bad they no longer have the abilities of a good life. So, people want them gone forever. Of course, that ends in a tragic way also. For the ones that take part in change and express remorse for their actions. There could be a place to show reform and reward. Mass incarceration proves there is no reason to call it a Department of Corrections. It should be and to most of us here, it is a warehouse of ultimate death. Department of Corrections should be just that -- correcting someone and proving the system works will allow that person to return to society and give back to the ones he or she has taken from.
For the most part most criminals don’t realize the impact of a crime on a town or the taxpayer. They only focus on themselves. They forget the victims. They forget the cost of the court system. They are only focused on their loss. If they do take programs of change and they learn of this, light bulbs turn on and they recognize they truly have impacted more than just themselves.
In this day in age, prison is a warehouse of death. No matter what you do and how good you become, they hold you here, awaiting the death of a human being. So are they guilty of a crime also. I sometimes believe they are. Many of us wait for people of such power and ability to come along and want more for the investment. They pay close to $67,000 a year to hold us in. That comes from taxpayer’s hard earned money, to only end up paying for the burial in the end. Not much on the return-on-investment if you ask me.
Eventually most people will come home. Unless they are like folks with “life without parole,” they are coming home old, maybe wiser, but angry, older people. However, “are they coming home right?” is the question. For many inmates, what Maine has now is a straight release. Straight from a prison cell to freedom. There is always someone who says, “what about the victims’ families?” and I agree. Of course, I have to think the victims’ families would want that person to completely EARN their freedom by transitioning from prison correctly and not just being released because your time is up.
Part III
My story that brought me here would “sit you down” is what I started with. There are so many twists and turns. That’s why I say, it would “sit you down.” As I go through it to others, they instantly ask, “How did you end up in prison for so many decades, if this is true?”
The desire to be more than what is expected comes when we have hope. The eyes soften and interest is sparked. Interest in being more than someone encased in a hole in the wall. I have done a tremendous amount of work within myself to overcome the depression of waking up in a prison cell day after day.
I have put myself into every program of change possible, to take me away from the irrational thoughts that played a role in me coming to this prison. What happened that day should have never happened. I apologize to God daily and ask for forgiveness for my actions on that day continuously. I express more remorse in my eyes then I verbally express and I hold deep emotion for what happened that led me to prison. A lot of my days are spent serving others. I feel I have a purpose if I help others. So, when in fact I “lock back in” at the end of the day, I can reflect on a complete day of service to others. They say doing god’s work is the hardest, and I agree. I’ve been in this prison a very long time.
A human being given the chance to learn from a mistake, will put the work in. Not letting a prison define them, they will work to make sure they can give back to the ones affected. It’s happening in a lot of places. A human being who is encased in an institution who has been afforded the opportunity to change will be successful once they return to society. The change becomes so real within, and they work hard to show their true worth to themselves and the facility. Of course, their time will end and then the real test will begin. That’s if they’re lucky enough to have a release date. For people without a release date, there is still humanity.
