A story by Buddy Bieler from 2024
I dropped out of high school when I was fourteen years old and already had a problem with substances at that time. In 2010 I was sentenced to fifty-five years at the Maine State Prison at the age of twenty-four. Once incarcerated I continued to use drugs and was often in seg for fighting. Although I had periods of time I would try to stay clean, I didn’t know how to live sober and always fell off the wagon. I eventually got my GED while incarcerated, but I still couldn’t stay off drugs.
Once the pandemic began in 2020, I had a near death experience after injecting suboxone that I didn’t realize had been in a person's mouth. The bacteria from the saliva put my body into sepsis which caused endocarditis. My body was shutting down. My blood pressure plummeted. I was dying. It was a massive effort on the part of the medical team to save my life and I’m forever grateful for their work. This experience was a pivotal moment for me. As I lay in a hospital bed in ICU, isolated, I realized I had to change. I didn’t want to die but I couldn’t continue living the way I had. I needed to learn to live a different way of life. When I came back to the unit a month later, I applied to college.
Because of my history, I was still in a close custody unit and had to do my classes via zoom alone in a room. I wasn’t able to communicate with other students. The continued isolation was a struggle. Often the teachers were late bringing the computer down to me or the internet would be out and I wouldn’t be able to get into my class. It was frustrating and lonely,
but I was committed to change. I didn’t know at the time how much this decision would help me. I just knew I needed to do something different to be a better version of myself.
I’m the first person in my family to attend college as I work towards a degree in psychology. Pursuing this course of study has given me a better understanding of myself. I wrote a paper for Psych101 about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). I learned how the effects of traumatic experiences in childhood affect us as adults. I was sober for the first time and dealing with demons I had never dealt with in my life while writing and researching this topic. It took almost three months to write this paper because of the emotional turmoil it brought up for me. The research helped me process and understand myself, what I had been through and why I reacted the way I did to situations. It was such an emotional struggle I almost quit school and considered using drugs again. But, I’m proud to say I was able to get through those emotions without picking up substances.
Making the decision to stay clean and pursue an education got me moved out of close custody and into the medium unit. I was in a new building, with a new lifestyle. I was finally able to get a job and back into making art. I was changing my life and creating something positive. It opened up my worldview and I was able to envision a life with goals I hadn’t ever
considered before. It gave me the strength and motivation to finally come off suboxone.
I’ve been incarcerated for sixteen years now and against all odds, I met someone. She was a volunteer art teacher while I was working in the art room and we hit it off. We were able to connect through art, recovery, and our similar course studies in college. She sees me for the person I show up as today and doesn’t judge me for who I was. She knows firsthand the self determination it takes to overcome addiction and trauma. She believes in me, loves and respects me, and holds me accountable if she sees me slipping.
These things don’t just happen here. You don’t meet someone, make a connection and fall in love in prison. I used to say I wish I had met her twenty years ago but I wasn’t the same person then. I had to change my behaviors, self reflect, and grow. I know I still have work to do on myself, but I put in the effort to be the best version of myself I can every day, even though I’m still in prison. I can’t give up.
I have a reason to hope and dream for a better future and somebody special to share that dream with. We live in two different worlds and because of my long term confinement she says we need to focus on the now because she can’t handle getting lost in the uncertainty of our future. But, when I’m locked in my cell alone, daydreaming about our future together is what keeps me together.
She talks about the criminalization of care. The Department of Corrections always talks about how community connection supports rehabilitation but harshly limits it. Our loved ones on the outside feel as though they’re in prison themselves. Communication is limited and constantly monitored, furlough is unheard of, conjugals don’t exist and visitations can be taken away for seemingly any reason. All these limitations take a toll on the relationships between family and friends on the outside with incarcerated individuals. Everybody wants to feel cared for and have someone else to care for. It’s part of being human.
The best volunteers and staff members at MSP are the ones who genuinely care about the inmates and they are always the ones let go. Volunteers who grow to care too much about the men they work with are often banned once a caring relationship is recognized by the administration. I’ve seen long time volunteers get threatened with a ban for giving a birthday card to an inmate. Once, a group of us made a painting to thank a volunteer for all her hard work and show our appreciation. The volunteer was stopped at the door when she was leaving that day and told she wasn’t allowed to keep it. The culture created by the DOC negatively impacts how we are cared for by our family and how we are allowed to care for others.
Our society values independence, but the truth is, nobody gets through this life alone. Putting value on caring for people and recognizing the importance and impact other people play on our lives is crucial to maintaining our humanity. Although we all have different life experiences, we all share the experience of being human. And if the DOC really wanted to see us
rehabilitate, they would allow us to have caring relationships with people we love.
Because of my time incarcerated, I got sober, got an education and fell in love. I’m hopeful that policies will change and I can someday experience the outside with the person I love so much.
